Day 23: Dead Island Scandal

This is pretty self-explanatory.

So I have approximately none time to spend on a post today so you're just going to get a bunch of garbage.  I found this article to be mildly entertaining with just a touch of enraged nerd.  Dead Island sounds and looks like an excellent game, but someone fucked up in the game's programming.  Hilarious.  Clearly someone has been burned one too many times by the opposite sex and didn't quite know how to deal with it.  Of course putting it in the game's script was clever, but completely stupid.  He probably should have just gone to counseling or tried a different type of woman before he just blew off his steam by fucking with the game.  Good show, moron, good show.

Day 22: Nextnext Gen in 18 months?

What the shit?

This is totally and completely accurate.  No lie.

I know it's been a couple of years since the 360 and PS3 came out and they've been excellent thus far, but why the fuck do we need to see the next next generation Sony console in under a year and half?  Of course this is just a rumor, and the information isn't substantiated in any way, but this is how Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo tend to work with releasing new consoles or developing something super exciting.  Soon we'll be "leaked" information about Project Moonbound and we'll see infamous pictures of things like the controller on the right that have little or no resemblance to what they'll eventually become.  Or if they do resemble in image, they'll be piles of glamorized, over-hyped shit like the Virtual Boy.

So clearly this "announcement" is linked to the development and release of the Wii U.  I'm sure that on a corporate level, Sony and Microsoft are both petrified that the Wii U is going to blow them out of the water in terms of sales when it first hits the market, but I don't think that they're seeing clearly long term.  If they are going to grunt out whatever pieces of shit they can in 18 months, or even two years for that matter, it's going to be a waste of good toilet water.  The 360 and PS3 have consistently outsold the Wii except for maybe in the early stages of Nintendo's baby when it was an extreme novelty.  After that, third party support dropped due in part to the companies love of using it's mascots as well as the newer, yet awkward technology used in the WiiMote.  My analysis brings me to one conclusion then, start development of a new console, but take the longer, more considered approach rather than shitting something out in 18 months or so.  The Wii U will outsell the next next generation consoles until it's novelty wears off and people realize that it's just a redesigned Wii with little or nothing new to offer. 

The clown child is sad for the Wii U.

To that end, Sony and Microsoft can wait a bit.  Not all three consoles need to be released at the same time.  In fact, it might just be better for all involved if each has it's own launch window.  Let's think this through, why release your console on the same day as its competitor?  Say that there are 100 people who want to buy a new console gaming system but there are two being released on the same day.  On that day potentially 50 would buy one and 50 would buy the other for a variety of reasons including game library, appearance, cost, etc.  I made those factors all even because let's face it, how different are the PS3 and 360 really?  Besides, it's not like much goes into the thought of buying a new console for most people, it's usually just personal preference or purchase history.

None of this please.  This is all bad.

The bottom line here is that Sony and Microsoft shouldn't jump the gun with their next consoles.  I think that they can take a measured approach and wait more time before releasing their next big console without pressuring their sales versus the Wii U and it's launch.  My own psyche just doesn't want to see another decent console that completely bites the dust like the Dreamcast.  I do like to think that as a community, gamers have evolved beyond the necessity of novelty, but I doubt that will ever actually be true.  The Wii U will most likely satisfy that annual need and it will suck more sales than it probably should from consoles that have a more thoughtful design, but once that time passes things will be right in my tiny little gaming mind and a new console will be all that I need to console any lingering fears about another Virtual Boy.  It literally haunts my dreams; the goggles burn red in the darkness, staring, watching, waiting.

Day 21: The Arcade

You have to love this carpeting, it adds "atmosphere."

How many of us can recall the glorious days of the arcade?  Not even I can fully remember when these impressive collections of video gaming cabinets were spread across the nation, I just didn't have the opportunity due to the fact that these types of facilities have been relegated to the Chuck E. Cheese's and State Fairs of the world.  Sure I've been able to partake of the arcades in those places, but they retain just a portion of their former glory.

The reason I bring this up is that I recently visited a state fair and had a chance to play some arcade goodness.  I couldn't find any purely retro games like Defender, Asteroids, or Joust.  Not even a 1942 or 1943 was around, but there were still some excellent games.  I want to take a minute and look at the difference between those older games and the newer ones.  Silent Scope was something that caught my eye, and I ended up spending a good while playing with one of my friends.  This is an interesting specimen, there's a screen, of course that shows what you would see from a normal perspective just looking out across the city, but there's also a screen within the scope that shows what you would see from that perspective.  Essentially you use the large screen to find your target and use the scope to take them out.  It's a great game, but it's limited by a ridiculous timer that's there to essentially make you spend as much money as possible.  The timer starts at the beginning of every level and if it runs out during that level you lose and need to insert more quarters.  Every kill gains you some time, but you're always fighting against that damn clock.  The same idea has been applied to such games as Time Crisis.  If you can't beat the clock, you better have fifty fucking dollars in quarters or tokens.  Looking at an earlier, but much better, game reveals that arcades have become much more commercial as they have aged and come to a state of degradation.

That's right, six fucking players.  Booyah.

The Xmen arcade game is arguably the best of its kind.  Where else can you find such side-scrolling, six player, boss-fighting, and super power goodness?  Well, the Xbox Live Arcade is one such spot.  You'll be hard pressed to find this game in any remnant arcade, but you can find it on the Marketplace.  As we continue to lose such gems as the above and gain some of the more commercial games such as Time Crisis and Silent Scope, we are seeing the older arcade games return in full force on various online marketplaces or websites.  Microsoft even created a virtual arcade to be used on the 360 called the Game Room where you can purchase all of the old arcade games, mascots, and memorabilia from the past and place it into your very own, customizable arcade.  If you're an older gamer, or just want to experience that retro arcade for the first time, I highly recommend something like Game Room.

I miss the older game days where you could find The Simpsons, Turtles in Time, and Xmen all in the same location.  Sure, some of these games are being ported, or have been ported, to consoles, but the only way that you can naturally experience them nowadays is if you're lucky enough to find one of those cabinets at a bowling alley or have the ability to use an emulator that you can modify into an arcade cabinet.  

Long story short, I feel like arcade gaming has gone the way of the dinosaurs.  It's a dying organism and the attempts to save it have been lackluster at best, but unfortunately no one really wants to leave their home to play video games.  I realize that this is in large part due to the rise of console and portable gaming, but it saddens me that such a great piece of gaming history is being reduced to nothing.  I propose that we should all experience the arcade, through whatever means we have available, and make a decision to support those local and dying arcades, no matter the form they come in.  Though the commercial aspects of arcades have become something of a nuisance, we should still support these entities as they are the building blocks of video gaming.  So get out there and play Silent Scope, or whatever other crappy, expensive games are out there and save the natural history of video gaming.  You can be an Indiana Jones-esque archaeologist and find old, treasured games like Asteroids, or you can be a futuristic explorer and find such creations as the below.

What the fuck is this abomination supposed to do?

Retro Game of the Week: Duck Tales

Years ago, I was a great fan of the cartoon Duck Tales. I never really understood the point behind the show. Why ducks? I mean, couldn’t it have been just as good if it were anything? Monkeys, rhinos, parakeets, did it really fucking matter? In any case, the show follows the adventures of Uncle McScrooge, the richest duck in the world. For whatever reason he wants to constantly earn more money. In the show this means that McScrooge has to defend his hoard of money from villains or go on grand adventures to gather more money. The NES game that we’re looking at today is based upon these adventures.

The first thing that I’ll say about this game is that the music is excellent. The 8-bit rendition of the Duck Tales theme song couldn't be any better. Right away when the game starts up, you see one of the worst start screens ever. The whole thing is this terrible blue color with green, orange, and red splattered all over like some first graders rejected art project. The only option that you get to set with this screen anyway is difficulty.

Of course ducks can use supercomputers.

As soon as you choose how hard you want to get your ass spanked, you get dropped into a McScrooge’s base of operations with his fucking huge supercomputer. 

Getting your ass spanked...By a duck dominatrix no less.

Here you get to select one of five areas to search for treasure: The Amazon, Transylvania, African Mines, The Himalayas, and The Moon. The levels are all fairly detailed and the graphics in the game are very impressive for the time. Take McScrooge for instance, he’s well done and looks just like he does in the cartoon. His attack is ridiculous. The fucking duck jumps around on his cane like a damn pogo stick or whacks things with it like a damn golf club, and that’s it. You do that to kill Gorillas, break rocks, and open chests that contain treasure. The levels are structured in that you run around and collect all of the “small treasure” that adds slight amounts to your dollar total, running in the upper left hand corner of the screen, but the ultimate goal is to find the “big” treasure at the end of the level and kill the boss. Once that happens, you chat with some crazy pelican pilot and he flies your ass back to Duckburg to do it all over again in the next area.

Ducks.

Each level proceeds in the same manner, but the layouts are different. This is a great platformer game, and it plays very well. My main problem with it is that it’s just fucking weird. That really just goes back to the original idea behind the cartoons. Why the fuck is it ducks?

So let’s jump ahead to the final level, or at least the one that most people save for last, The Moon.  Here you’re a duck in space pogo jumping on aliens.  I don’t fucking get it.  Why are you looking for treasure in space?  This isn’t Uncharted, its god damn Duck Tales.

Wow, space.  Just great.

 So at the end of the game you have to go back to Dracula Duck Manor and beat the vampire duck.  After that you end up in a race to the top of a rope and you get your treasure.  The final screen of the game is McScrooge having some kind of fucking seizure on top of all of his money wearing a crown.  What this game all comes down to to me is what frontiers the NES was able to explore with popular titles.  Where else would you find a Duck Tales video game where they travel to space and fight vampire ducks?  Though this game is completely fucked up, it really shows the power of video games to explore and exploit cultural phenomenons as well as stretch the limits of imagination and creativity.  Even with my frustration with the fucking ducks, I have to admit that without this game there's no way that I could play games like Fallout New Vegas on a regular basis.

Day 20: Sandbox

What kind of turtle eats sand?

Remember when you were a little kid and you dreamed up everything that you could possibly imagine and put those dreams down into sand?  I recall that I created massive cities with Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars.  I carefully crafted each and every building with loving hands and sculpted until my fingers ached.  Once I had created the most excellent city that my young mind could think of, I parked all of the cars as if citizens were living out their days in a city of sand.  Then I would build a volcano. At the center of that volcano was a hose.  Once the hose switched on, I was the master of that tiny city, I alone controlled its fate.  I sprayed and sprayed until the entire city and it's inhabitants were washed away in the flood or the ensuing mudslides.  Sadistic, right?  But, left to your own devices, didn't you do much of the same?  These types of experiences now translate to what the industry calls Sandbox games.

Sandboxy goodness.

The recent Grand Theft Auto games are a perfect and shining example of the Sandbox genre, one of the first that I played too.  This game doesn't go so far as to city destruction, but it does provide us with a context.  As the character you are free to do whatever quests you want, just fuck around with the rest of the city, or complete all of the side-quests.  Me, I complete the main quests first.  As I do, I unlock other parts of the city or various weapons that I didn't have in the first place.  After I get to a certain point, where I think I can hold my own against the rest of the city, I run around and just fucking unload in the most populated area I can find and fight until I die.  The other fun thing that I like to do is find the highest point and take a sniper rifle to town.  Now of course one couldn't do this without a complete separation of fantasy and reality.  Obviously I have no intentions of doing this in real life.

Assassins are great fun at parties like this one.

Another sandbox game that I rather enjoy is Assassin's Creed.  Though it's much more structured than your GTA, it's still got that sandbox feel of running all around the city.  And it's different in that you run ALL AROUND the city.  You flip, jump, wall run, and acrobat your way around the entire place.  It's sandbox in it's freedom of movement.  Sure there are quests to do, but there are challenges of movement that help you out as well.  Another game that had similar movement controls, and was also mission based is Prototype.  In that game you control a genetically-enhanced human that needs to save the world.  The controls are similar to Assassin's Creed, but the missions differ and there's a bit more sandboxyness.  Yeah, I know it's not a word, but I hold creative control over this blog...so there.

To date I haven't seen a console game that really rivals my all-time favorite of Black and White for being a sandbox game.  You are literally a god that controls, helps, and terrorizes an entire world.  You have a creature that can carry out your designs or you can directly help or hinder your villagers.  I loved this game when it first came out, but it had some issues.  Number one, it was pretty much broken.  I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out most of the shit that I had to do.  Number two, it was hard to play.  The controls just didn't feel right for the game itself.  For now, I need to continue my search for the perfect sandbox game.  My question for you is, how do you play your sandbox games?  Do you just fuck around with everything or do you quest until you can't quest any further?  As for me, I think I might go back to my cars and hose.