Day 12: Super Mario Land

The box just doesn't make sense.

With handheld devices fresh in my mind, I had to take a look at this strange customer.  This is one of the games that really drove the Game Boy's success in the early years.  Since Super Mario Bros. and it's successors were so popular on the NES, of course Nintendo would need to release a similar title on their mobile to look for the same success in that market.  My main issue with this game is just how fucked up it makes Mario.  I mean, just take a look at the box art.  He's in a submarine chasing after some crazy ass spaceship on Easter Island and later in Egypt?  I just don't get it.  At first I thought that playing it would give me some clarity, but I was horrifyingly wrong.

Yes, because Mario would do this.

The game is very similar to the others in the series as far as your platforming adventures go.  You jump on your enemies, collect coins, and try to reach the end of every level.  The differences in this game just baffle the shit out me.  First off, the controls are all fucked up.  The momentum of the NES game is gone and replaced by an awkward feeling.  The Super Mushrooms and Fire Flowers are still in this game, but the Fire Flowers don't give you the ability to shoot the signature Fireball.  Instead you throw balls.  Bouncy balls at a 45 degree angle.  Why the hell would you change the Fireball?  It's such an awesome move and pretty original for one of the very first "good" platforming games.  The other things that were changed to create this abomination were some of the transportation.  Rather than having Mario run and jump across every level to make it to the end, the game forces you into a flying machine and a submarine to reach your goal.  Mario's a freaking plumber, how in the hell is he flying a plane or navigating a submarine, much less all by himself?  Or maybe in all of his downtime after saving the princess, he relaxes by getting his fucking pilot's license.  That must be it.

Why does the pipe look like a huge tootsie roll?

So not only were some of the key components of Mario's essential gameplay changed here, but the plot was also changed.  Instead of chasing after Bowser to save Princess Toadstool, Mario is chasing after a spaceman, Tatanga, to save Princess Daisy.  The minions of Tatanga appear as Daisy to draw Mario in and then transform to kill him.  A spaceman with shape shifting alien thugs?  Who in the hell decided that Mario needs to battle some alien fucks to save the reject princess that doesn't appear in the mainstream games all that often?  I just don't get it.  Why change what was working so well on the NES? 




There's no denying that fans of Mario games around the world like even this piece of shit adaptation.  A sequel was even made to continue to bleed the mobile market dry.  Mario has had too many spinoffs in his day and this was the root cause of it all.  I clearly see the benefits of creating spinoffs like this and exercising the limits of Mario's success, but what the fuck is the reasoning behind changing the game itself?  A spinoff like this would be fine on the Game Boy, and I'm glad it happened because without it we would have lost a lot of good games through the years, but can't you make a freaking spinoff that at least has some of the same elements?  This game just doesn't feel like Mario.  I mean, Mario's certainly in it, but fighting a spaceman in Sarasaland where they end up having an epic showdown in Chai land?  None of it makes any sense.  Where's the Mushroom Kingdom?  Where's Bowser?  Where the hell is the Mario we know and love that throws balls of fire, not bounces balls like a goddamn four year old?